A few days ago during worship, I desired to encounter God. So I prayed for just that... "Lord, encounter me, but not just for encounters sake, but so that in beholding you I can be changed." I also prayed that God would show me why He loves me.
Then I saw a beautiful picture of a deep well in a lush and green garden. In the well, was everything I needed. And I just heard the Lord say that this was how He intended it to be. The Spirit of God was so grieved by the separation from us. He wants to pour out everything on us, but we don't trust Him.
This broke me, I lay on the floor sobbing, grieved not at the generosity of God, but because we don't trust Him. One of my leaders prayed for me, and said that that well was for me. That I needed to repent of not believing, truly deeply believing, in God's goodness and His love for me. So I did... I repented of not relying on God, and instead relying on the affirmation of people.
It is wonderful that God has placed us in community, where we can build up each other. But He never intended that that be our main source.
He is everything we need! And every time I get a revelation of this, it just goes deeper and deeper.
The main problem is this though: I've been depending on myself for so long that I don't really know how to rely on God.
While my leader was praying for me, she had a word for me. Two weeks ago, during an important part of my deliverance, my watch beeped the change of the hour. Then while she was praying for me, it beeped again. God is trying to speak to me, and every time I hear my watch beep I need to listen. She said the word wouldn't be easy to hear. It was time to stop pitying myself, time to walk confidently in His love.
I choose to no longer believe the lies of the enemy. God is rooting me so deeply in His love. But it is not only for my sake. The more I believe in His love, the more that love can overflow onto everyone around me!