More precious than gold that perishes...

1 Peter 1:3-7

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

I’m sorry it’s been so long since writing a blog.  The last month has been an intense time with the Lord.  I’m going to be vulnerable… it was one of the most painful works the Lord has ever done in my life.  But that’s only because when it’s something so deeply rooted in identity, the Lord wants to be supreme.  

The road to clean out the insecurities in my life started with deliverance almost 2 months ago, and since then, the Lord has been weeding out the remains in my heart.  Last month, before we left for Israel, the Lord showed me that though I loved Him, I had built a wall around my heart to protect myself.  This wall was directed toward others, because I was afraid of getting hurt, but it also kept Him out.  He asked for my permission to take down the wall.  How can we refuse the one we love?  Of course I said yes.

If I had know what would follow, I might not have said yes...  A month of confronting my intense insecurities followed.  I was plagued by comparison, constantly seeing how I lacked when measured up against the value in others.  Lying voices filled my mind.  And pride overwhelmed me, tempting me to turn inwards, focusing on my own misery.  But through it all, the loving voice of my Abba was telling me "just trust me, I will walk you through this."

I cried out to God for deliverance... protesting at the unfairness of this.  How could He make me go through over a month of this?  Where was His love for me?  But the answer was to be found in the above verse from I Peter 1...  "the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes..."  The Lord is refining me.  He is burning away what is impure, and what is left is a little bit more of the image of Yeshua.  I'm meant to be a reflection of His glory, how can I do that with tarnished glass.  

But thank God, this week was a breakthrough week... The Lord ordained this time for His glory and my continued journey into freedom.  Here is what happened.

Worship started yesterday morning with nothing I did special, just a hunger for more of God.  So, after just a few songs, our worship leader started singing a song about the love of God going on and on and on and on… And I started thinking about eternity.  Right at that moment, she said that God has put eternity in our hearts.  For the last 20 years or so, I have been so freaked out by the thought of eternity, to the point where every time I think of it, I had a panic attack.  But at that moment, I gave my fear to the Lord, and repented for it and for avoiding accepting eternity…knowing that this is an aspect of God… a part of my precious Abba that I’ve avoided.  And I felt Him healing this fear.

During this prayer, I went to my knees… But shortly thereafter, one of our elder leaders came up to me and said he wanted to talk to me.  He grabbed my R.A., so I was like “uh oh…”  I’ve been hoping and praying for my deliverance time, but dreading it all the same.  Then he said to me that there was an invitation on offer for me today.  He said that God wanted me to take off my “less then” spectacles, and put on my "more than" spectacles.  To stop seeing the world as if I am less than everyone else.  I am not the smallest person, from the smallest tribe, from the smallest nation.  I am more than a conqueror.  I am beautiful… because I have the beautiful light of God inside of me.  The Lord has great things in store for me.  It’s time to believe this.  This broke me, and I began sobbing.

After that, both my RA and another staff member continued praying for me.  One of them said that she got a picture of the Lord’s work during these 2 years.  He’s been flooding the walls around my heart with His love and cracking them.  Now He wants to bring them down, but not just leave me empty, to fill me up with His love.  

I felt God’s Spirit go deeper.  I felt like He was digging out all those deep emotions I’ve buried for years.  The ladies kept praying for me.  I really feel like God was doing another deep deliverance.  A deep guttural cry came from deep within me.  Memories from the last 20 or more years, of rejection, flashed in my memory.  And I just felt like God said that these were not meant for me to hold.  Then I felt in my heart, that God wants me to be a woman of confidence.  Not chained to insecurity, but walking in the love He has given me, exactly who He made me to be. 

God, thank you for your deep work in my heart.  I love you Abba!  I feel so different.  So honored that I even though I am a weak vessel, He chose me to be a container of His glory.  He desires me, He loves me.  And I am so overwhelmed with love for Him!